When I get stressed or anxious, I'm the type of person who closes up, instead of verbally talking through issues. It's a blessing and a curse, that's for sure. I'm used to dealing with stress, but anxiety is a much newer emotion for me. I definitely had anxious moments the first few weeks as a new mom, but it's been a while since I've felt this way. And before James Michael came along, it was mainly just stress that I had to deal with, which I found my own ways to combat.
Writing this post now, there's a lump in my through. I need some sort of release, and I've already tried my go-to methods of baking and CrossFitting earlier this week. I'm hoping that writing, or trying to put my feelings into words, will help. I tried to talk to James, but I got out only two sentences, which didn't even probably make sense, before giving up. I thought about calling my mom or my sister, but I'm not even sure where to start or what to say. And actually, I've been avoiding talking to them since the weekend, because they can read me like a book and would know something is wrong, but I have no idea what to say.
Life isn't easy for anyone, and I realize that, and knowing that makes me even more hesitant to truly open up to anyone. Sometimes, you can't always get what you want. Maybe I've been spoiled; maybe I've had a good life; maybe I'm always used to getting or achieving what I want.
But sometimes, no matter how hard you work for something, you can't always get it. And that's why I'm in a funk. I know what I want, and I want it desperately, but I can't seem to get it right now.
How do you working moms do it? How do you spend 10 hours away from your child and convince your heart not to hurt? How do you tell yourself that those two hours you get to spend with your child on weeknights are enough? How do you satisfy that desire to be with your child more than you are at work? How do you wake him up out of his deep slumber in the mornings so you can take him to child care? How do you deal with missing his 'firsts'? How do you not feel guilty?
Please tell me how you do it. I need all the tips and advice I can get at this point, before I reach the precipice. I'm ready for my heart to stop hurting. I'm ready not to feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I'm ready to stop crying dry tears.
But I have no idea how to make that happen. I thought it would get easier over time, but now that I've been back at work 4 months after my maternity leave, things aren't working out that way.
There, I've finally done it; I've finally let the feelings flow. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. Please be gentle.
7 comments:
Having been through the "going back to work" thing twice, my heart goes out to you. DON'T count the hours you're spending with JM and the hours you're spending at work - it WILL break your heart. DO recognize that the time you spend with him is quality time. JM has no sense of time - he is just fine.
Also, it won't always be just a couple of hours. As he gets bigger, he'll stay up later. It used to kill me when I would pick my son up from daycare at 5:30 and he couldn't keep his eyes open past 6:30. But, that was only for a couple months.
You'll probably go through stages/phases where working will break your heart, and then it won't. I find that I'm a better momma for having missed my kids all day. We don't get sick of each other. I have more patience. I really do treasure every moment we have together, which may not happen when you can take that time for granted.
Sorry this is so long, but I've been there. And, will be going there again in a few months after I deliver my twins. It helps having some perspective now, but it will STILL be hard, a third time around.
Wishing you the best.
I'm not a mom so can't necessarily address that part, but I remember a friend telling me that she knew when I was having "troubles" because I withdrew from the world and she didn't hear from me. I didn't like I only let my friends know me when things were "good" and hid when they were difficult. The more I opened up, the better I felt, the more real I was, the more real everyone was in return. I believe this helped me feel more confident/secure/loved -- and that helped me to have a clearer mind, which led me to more creative solutions & "problem" solving.
And then there is the quote I love, "if you follow your dreams, all the universe will help you to achieve it." Maybe instead of finding a way to cope with your current situation,... you find a way to CHANGE it. ;-) Sending you powervibes girl!
I hope writing and getting it out helped you feel a bit of relief. Andrew and I have talked a lot about the amount of time he will be away from AJ, and it really upsets him. The thing that brings him solace is that AJ won't remember Dad being gone a lot the first few years. It will affect Andrew much more than AJ. You're a great mommy, and you are feeling all of this because of the love you have for your child. That's a beautiful thing.
Oh girl, we have ALL been there! I think I told you before, that was one of my main reasons for pumping at work- it was a way of knowing I was still connected with my child during the day!
We can't do it all. There are going to be things that "suffer", but always put your family first!!! I am always here if you want to chat!!
Oh, Haley...my heart hurts for you. It's great you were able to post how you were feeling, though. I, too, usually keep it bottled up when it's not a positive feeling, so kudos to you.
We weren't friends in high school, just graduates of the same high school in the same year, and now just Facebook friends. But, I must tell you, I love reading your blog.
I've been where you've been and may be there again in the near future with having to decide when to go to work when my next is born (due in a week). As someone else posted, it does get easier. It is SO difficult to leave your child to be cared for by others. I remember that same feeling...waking up a sleeping baby to take them to daycare so that I could go to school and work. It's a horrible feeling and makes you feel awful. But, remember that it is so much more difficult for us than it is for our children. They really are so adaptable and as long as the time you ARE able to spend with JM is wonderful, it'll all turn out just fine. He'll remember that time. And, when he's older, he'll have no recollection of having been in daycare as a baby and toddler. Then, just remember that in a few years he'll be in school while you're at work and you won't have that guilty feeling for that since we all have to take that step.
So, while it may not make you feel any better about having to leave him, know that he'll be okay. My worry was that my children wouldn't be and that I was failing somehow as a mother. But, it turned out just fine.
Hope you'll eventually feel a bit better about it. Sorry for the long post and good luck to you...I can tell you're a great mom just from reading your blog and you should take comfort in knowing that you are. Good luck.
I'm not a mother (yet) but I've seen friends who are working moms struggle with the exact same thing. You are 100% totally not alone in this so don't give yourself a hard time. As an outsider reading this blog post - my prompt to you would be you clearly know what you want so how can you make that happen - eg can you reduce your hours? It could be shorter days, 3-4 days a week, even if just for a few months. Obviously it's a financial consideration, but maybe a little temporary financial hardship is better than actual heartbreak and missing those 'firsts'. p.s. He's a total cutie! Congrats.
Oh Haley...you are a wonderful mom, that I know and our Lil James feels very loved and secure. Your hearts desire is to be a stay-at-home mama so give it to the Lord! Our Lord (and I know you have a strong faith) is always waiting for you to pour out her wants and desires to him. And especially when your wants are righteous He wants them for you too! Tell God how you feel and ask him to fix it for you. Tell him every day and then thank him for being in the process of working it out. God can and will change your circumstance whether by changing things for you physically or by bringing you peace in the current situation. And remember..."All things work together for good for those who love and serve him!" God always hears our prayers you just have to be patient, continue to praise him, and be consistent with your prayers...and then give him the glory! Love you bunches :)
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